Here we are again...

Slept well, off an on, but rose a little later than usual. Did some work at the keyboard, then drove out to the Covid testing site for a culture. Slept when I got home.

No workout today. Air quality alert. Skies are grey and brown and ugly, and to make matters worse, the heat and humidity are miserable, too. Would’ve been a great day to go to a movie—if there were movies.

Had a half hour of FaceTime with the boys. The highlight of the day, as always. Jack was very sweet. Offered his condolences over Gramma Bobbie’s passing. He’d been working on a breakfast cereal concoction he’d hoped would cure her. He was sad he hadn’t been able to get it to her in time.

Not sure what the rest of the weekend will bring, but again, am happy to be able to lose myself in my writing. Too many things to think about, and little to do about them anyway.

Maybe I can swing a day fishing soon, now that the sling is off.

Adrift...

Slept without a sling last night. First time in six weeks.

Put in some early revision time, then went off to PT. Rough session. Shoulder’s working to make the transition, but it isn’t easy and it isn’t fun. Been walking around with a sore arm all day.

Weather’s like a blast furnace and the two big fires north are burning away. Air quality’s gone to hell. Forced to stay inside today, except for a short workout at the gym after therapy.

Talked to my uncle late this afternoon. My buddy B earlier. Spent the rest of my time answering emails and sending out long overdue correspondence to friends.

Gotta get up early, come at things from a different angle tomorrow. Shake off the blues, and look for the horizon.

On a thursday...

Long day. Started at the orthopedics office where I was told the arm was coming along better than expected. “Ahead of schedule” were the words. Was told I could abandon the sling around the house and keep it for special occasions—like trips to the grocery store. Anyway, a good start.

Wrote a little bit when I got home, then went off for a walk. Hot day, today. Took a nap when I got home, then showered and took care of some correspondence.

Talked to my bro, Joe, later in the day. Questions about family matters.

Looking forward to a clean start tomorrow.

Best not to think about it...

Fires burning around the state again.

Up early, revising. Later, coffee with K and S, then off for a long walk.

Figured to catch up with the boys early afternoon to wish Matty a happy fourth, but the call fell to later in the day. Quick hello was all.

See the PA tomorrow about the shoulder. Thought it would be the doc, but I guess he’s too busy making money. Rehab’s coming along. Arm still hurts, sleep’s still hard to come by, but all in all, I think things are moving forward.

Revisited DeLillo’s opening to Underworld last night. Parts of Falling Man, too. Gotta sit down with both again soon for a long, quiet read.

Meantime, breathe.

Still here...

Went for a long walk this morning after getting up late and putting in an hour or so at the keyboard.

Spoke to my sister later in the day.

Everything’s moving around, trying to find its place again.

Matty’s birthday tomorrow. His fourth. A lot of fond memories to hold onto.

Everything's bearing down...

Troubled night’s sleep owing to the arm. Up later than usual, but not much later. New novel’s coming along. Edits went all right.

Took a break around noon and went for a long walk, working the stairs down at the soccer park. Got home and tried to nap, but couldn’t quite manage.

Taking a beat down this summer, Covid making all the rest even worse. Just have to keep looking ahead.

Not much news on the Albuquerque front today. Saw a note saying mom’s kidneys were still pulling solid duty. Everything else was the same.

What a long strange journey we take on our way out. Said it before, and I’ll say it again. Death doesn’t come for us, we go looking for it.

Nothing to do but wait now...

Drove down to Albuquerque yesterday to see mom. Had a good, uneventful drive. Kept out of peoples way and only stopped to fill up on gas.

The hospital was in full quarantine, but we managed to get in without any difficulty. She was in a private room on the seventh floor, in the sleep-state she’s been in for two weeks. She was curled in the bed, though not uncomfortably, and seemed at peace with herself. I talked to her for a while and held her hand, but she was far away.

Left Albuquerque around six-thirty and dove straight home. Arrived a little after midnight. Slept hard when sleep finally came.

Nightfall...

Rough night’s sleep. Up a little later than usual, but made headway with the book.

Went for a long walk late morning. Got a call from my sis saying my mom’s meds were being terminated and she was being placed in “comfort care.” Not much more to add. Gave the hospital a call late day and said my goodbyes.

There's No figuring...

Found some peace at the keyboard this morning. Worked till it was time for PT. Range of motion’s improving all the way around, but the muscle strength hasn’t come back yet, and probably won’t for a long time.

Picked up where I left off on the long manuscript when I got home, then took a long walk down at the park.

Cloudy day. Humid. Rained a bit this afternoon and, by the look of things, might do so again this evening.

Lots of thoughts going through this head. Glad I have work to keep me busy.

Heard today the boys won’t be going to school this fall. Relieved to know it.

Got a text late this afternoon, they’re sending mom back for another MRI. Maybe a spinal later in the week. Meanwhile, nothing’s changed. She doesn’t talk, doesn’t know anyone.

Gut punch...

Heard from mom’s doc tonight. EEG came in. She’s been having continuous seizures for ten days now, without anyone knowing why. Bottom line, she will not recover. Age, medical history, etc., too much to overcome. She will probably released tomorrow, and placed in palliative care. Not certain whether she’ll go home. Will know soon.

Overcast...

Quiet Friday.

Up early, revisions, long walk in the park.

No new word on mom’s condition. They’re sending her in for another MRI, what for I don’t know.

Tried a nap, but kept getting tangled in my sling. That’s a new thing. Happened last night, too.

Gonna try and take it easy tonight. Build a fire outside if weather permits.

Every place you look, something new...

Later start than usual. Back to work on novel.

Abbreviated morning owing to PT. Caught up on incidentals when I got home, then went out for a short walk. Everything caught up with me early afternoon and had to lie down for a nap.

Tried to FaceTime the boys but came up empty. Maybe tomorrow.

Spent the late day writing an N. Critique. Last of the submissions ought to be rolling in soon. Meanwhile, plenty to do.

Letter from the Westchester Review today. They want to publish “Astray.”

Just so the day couldn’t end on a quiet note, got word they’ve put mom on a feeding tube.

Strange days ahead.

Made it this far...

Tired of working with one arm. Did some exploratory work on the laptop today, and think it might be the way to proceed. Takes a toll, but maybe with a little maneuvering…

Wasn’t as productive today as yesterday, but managed to push things along just the same. Got in some edits on the new story, had a nice conversation with an old buddy, hit the gym for a short workout, and had a good chat with young Jack.

Tried mom’s hospital room today, got my niece, Haley. Nothing new. Not sure where things are going, other than there appears to be an EEG on the horizon. What that will reveal is anyone’s guess.

PT tomorrow. One month since surgery.

Been a long summer

There's just no knowing...

Up a little late. Not much, but a little. Started a new short piece, though didn’t get very far.

Lit out for the gym for some PT a little before noon. Got in some good work. Came home and took a nap after finishing a story in the New Yorker.

Two more pieces in my N queue. Will need to get moving if I want to get my critiques out the door.

Overcast most of the day, but it rained late afternoon and the skies have finally cleared.

No new word on mom. Made up my mind I wasn’t going to drive down there unless she improved enough to know who I was, but hanging back is a bitch, too.

Cooking pork chops tonight. Can smell them braising, all the way out here.

the fractured order of things...

Lost track of the day. First time in a long time. Bad night’s sleep, too. Also the first time in a long time. Guess I was due on both counts.

A mix up in PT unexpectedly put my in the therapist’s office this morning. Was sad about losing the writing time, but happy with the progress I’ve made with range of motion. It isn’t much, but in this particular world, a little goes a long way.

Stuck around the gym afterward and got in some stair step time and a little bit of lifting. Heard talk of another shutdown. Hope for my buddy, Solomon’s sake, it isn’t true, but times and circumstances being what they are, anything and everything is possible.

No word on mom today other than her condition hasn’t changed. She’s still talking, though to no one in particular, and still oblivious to the commands of others. The hospital folks are now talking about “weeks and months” before knowing with any certainty what the outcome may be.

Dreary day all around. Rained late afternoon. Rejection slipped after two years, six days. Next year I’m disclosing the names of these places. I swear.

Reason to believe...

Don’t know where to start with this one.

Maybe the later-than-usual rise knocked the day out of orbit.

No fiction writing today. Spent the early part of the day reading and critiquing, the afternoon trying to chase down an inflatable boat/kayak to take the place of the canoe I can no longer lift. Took a long nap as well. Afterward, had a nice long talk with my uncle.

News from Albuquerque is that mom is now able to move her entire body. Movements may still be involuntary, but they are there. She is also speaking—not coherently, but in complete sentences. Not to take advantage of a cruel joke, but that may be a positive sign in that it isn’t a great deal different than many of mom’s conversations. Long and short, there is marked improvement.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

Saturday night...

Another day in limbo.

Restless night. Up early and working, but took a while to get in the groove. Made a half-hearted attempt to get to the end of the book and succeeded. Gonna work on a short story before starting a new pass.

Little word on mom’s condition. Spoke to her nurse but got the bum’s rush. Found out she was going in for an MRI, but wouldn’t have results till Monday. If she makes it through, it’s nursing home or hospice.

Tired. Got a nap this afternoon, but think I’ll sleep tonight, too.

Dreary day. Humid day. Wish it would rain.

None the wiser...

Still trying to sort it all out.

Up early, wrote, went for a long walk and, later, tried to get in a nap. Went out searching for cat food instead and even came up empty there.

Talked to my uncle for a bit. My sister M, too. Later, had a nice email exchange with my buddy G.

No word on Mom’s state, though I did speak to her nurse this morning. Everything’s in a state of confusion. Situation normal, right?